It’s been an… “interesting” couple of months. Life has a tendency to happen whether you want it to or not. Over the last few days I’ve been backing up some old media (ancient home videos and the like) and also re-reading some of my past blog posts. This has obviously put me in a reflective, somewhat nostalgic frame of mind.
Over the last few weeks, I feel like I’ve been trying to recover my balance in a certain sense. After everything that happened, I feel like I lack self-trust, purpose, and psychological safety. It’s an odd state to be in, because it’s easy to forget until something triggers it, as simple as spending an evening in an unfamiliar hotel room with nothing to do.
I’m aware of the tendency to “rosy retrospection”, aka focusing on the positive aspects of the past. Even so, it seems like I was in a better place last summer than I am now. This is uncomfortable because I can’t necessarily pin down why. I have changed (as people tend to do), but for the first time in my life I’m not convinced that I like how I have changed.
I don’t know if it is possible to change back, or if that’s really the right metaphor anymore. This feels like something where you can only control how you move forward, not how you move back. While historically I’ve always known where I wanted to go, and my only problem was how to get there… now I lack sufficient confidence in myself to pick a direction.
Time to find my balance, and recover a little bit of who I was last year. Reading some of those old blog posts has helped. I need to make some promises to myself, and then keep them.